What I have been through and why I want to help people

So I have blogged a lot about parts of my past and advice to help out in those situations. This post is going to be about my past and why I want to help others.

My whole life is a jumble of crazy times. At 6 years old my parents divorced and it was not a pretty divorce. My daddy was a drug addict and my mother was a gambling and drug addict also. After they split my mother became a Vegas black jack dealer. Her life was revolved around gambling and meth. She used to take me to the casino and give me $100 to go play in the arcade while she would gamble, sometimes up to 8 hours. This was a very regular thing for us to do. Other times she would leave me home alone to cook and fend for myself. When I got a little older my mother got drunk with me, introduced me to meth, and introduced me to Oxycontin. My mother was my best friend and not my mother. I thought this was normal, even cool. After I had my children taken Oxycontin and doing meth was something that became normal to me, as my mother always wanted someone to do it with her. I really didn’t find anything wrong with it. I was super mom. I could do everything, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of my family. When I was 20 my mother started to get ill. She could no longer work. I had to take care of her and my children. At this time she was on so much pain meds that she had enough for the both of us. But after a while I need pain meds just to be normal. With out them I was so sick for days that I could get up to take care of my girls. I had my last child about 7 years after I started taking pain pills. I was so bad on them that I could not stop while I was pregnant. I was afraid of losing my child from withdrawing. I was also so afraid to go the doctor for fear of losing my children because of my addiction. At this time I was on Fentynal. (For those of you who don’t know what Fentynal is, it’s a pain medication that’s stronger than Morphin.) Luckily my child was born at a very healthy weight and did not go through withdrawals. 8 months later my children were taken from me because me and my mother overdosed. I asked for help but DHR would not help. They just told me that I could not get my children back as long as I was with my mother. Three days after they told me that, my mother committed suicide. My family blamed me for it. I didn’t know what to do. I was so used to my mother being there that I was lost. I was lucky to have a wonderful man by my side through all this. I lost everything though. We were living in a shed that you rent from Walmart. Finally I got clean, but it took me a long time to get back to normal. I told myself I was not going to do to my kids what my mom did to me. By that this time, custody of my children were given to my youngest childs grandfather. He was my ex’s dad so he didn’t let me speak to them or see them. I needed to change thing so I move to Florida with my father. I worked my ass of and got a decent job and was promoted to manage in a year. About 7 months ago I got a phone call telling me my kids were put in foster care because they were found with head lice so bad that their ears were bleeding. They were malnourished, and now they believe they were sexual abused. They were with this man for 2 and a half years. Thats a lot of time to do damage to my childrens mental state. Becaue of all that I have been through, I have become a very strong women for my children. I love them more than life itself. Now we are in the process to get them back, and should get them back in March. A lot of people who have been through what I have been through didn’t make it. I made it and I want to help others to get through their hard times. The way I feel now is incredible and I want to share that with others in hope that one day I may really help people. I want to see other people recover just like I have. So if your going through some tough times and need some help comment on any of my post and I will do my best to help and if I can’t help, maybe one of my readers can.

It’s easier said than done

One thing I have learned in life is giving advice it very easy. It comes natural to me. I am a very observant person, so helping others is one thing I am great at. But taking advice is a whole nother story. I do not know why I can’t take my own advice or the advice others give me. The same thing goes for other people. When I give them good advice and they know it’s good advice, and for that moment they agree and can understand what I am getting at, but once it is time to use that advice, they don’t. See, the way I see it is, when someone gives you advice, you love the way it sounds. You like the idea of what can come from that. But we, as human, are very emotional people. Whether it is good emotions or bad emotions. So when the time comes to use or take that persons advice, our emotions get the best of us. To a point, we can’t control that. Only know you are human. If you read something or someone gives good advice, just know that, that advice is not going to help you unless you emotional ready for it. If you are not ready to change than you wont. The truth is, change is hard to us. Once we get into a routine, whether again its good or bad, it’s very hard to get out of. So if you want things to change for you and you want to take what advice was giving to you, to help. emotional prepare yourself for what is to come of it.

The holiday stress

hey everyone I know it has been a little while since I have written any post. The holidays stressed me out to where I just wanted to come home and rest. Between my family dinner to the retail side of black friday, the stress has snowballed. Now I am usually the one the can handle stress very well. I’m the one who helps people through their stress. Let me explain a little. I have a traumatic brain injury that was caused by an ex. When I get slightly stressed, I forget things more and I tend to mess up more. At work, I try to be the best at what I do and usually I rock at it.  I lost my mom and kids around the same time 3 years ago and I think that is one thing that is stressing me. I am always trying to do my best at every thing I do because that is what makes me feel good about myself. My talents in life are what make me happy. But when stress interferes with that, it snowballs. So the last couple days has been hard. I miss my kids and I miss my mother. I felt like I was letting everyone down. But I had to stop and think, I am only human. Making mistakes are normal. In fact, that’s how I learn. I am much better now cause I know that I am good at what I do no matter what. I am going to make mistakes and that’s ok to. So if you ever just have one of those weeks were no matter what you do, everything just goes wrong. Just keep reminding your self, it will be ok. This is just a learning experience that is preparing you for the future

Finding your passion.

One thing I have learned about addition and recovery is that you need to find your passion in life. Whether it be painting, fishing, blogging, or just helping others. Going through life without something to be passion about can be boring. Then when life gets boring you tend to turn to hobbies and habits that can be devastating to you. Now finding a passion can be difficulty. Take me for instance I have tried so much over my life. In fact I have become what you would a jack of all trades. From graphic design, working, fishing, fixing just about anything, and even welding. But out of all that, it’s not my passion in life. Yes I’m good at all of it and its fun. It’s just not that satisfying. Now recently I found my passion. I am passionate helping other. I get a true sense of how I am when I know that I can help someone else. And the best part is I really have been through it all so I know what people are going through. Not to mention I think outside the box. So I’m pretty good at solving and helping a very wide range of problems. I was clean for almost three years. But now I’m finally sober. I have found my inner peace in life that I was missing. So find your passion. Keep trying new things. One day you will find that passion. Then your life will be truly fulfilling.

To live, you first must forgive

Have you ever had someone do you so wrong that it changed who you are. Someone you trust lies or steals from you. Someone you love hurts you mentally or physically. I did. About 6 years ago, a man whom I loved with all my heart, beat me so bad that I now have traumatic brian injury. He took something so dear to be and beat it to a pulp. I was broken. I was afraid of love. Why would I put that trust into someone just to let that happen again. It changed me to the point that I became a stronger person. I told myself that I would never again let anyone do to me what he did. I would no longer be that week girl. After several years I forgave him, and I found out that’s all it took to be happy again. I needed to forgive him to move on with my life. I have never been better. He made me something I thought I could never be. STRONG.

You can’t go through life with hate towards someone. You can’t learn to love or trust without first forgiving that person who did you wrong. Life is too short to hold a grudge, and in the long run they usually will get what they deserve. Karma is a bitch. Well at least that’s what I believe.

Loss of a loved one.

Loss a loved one is the most unimaginable pain that any one could ever feel. Wether its a friend, family member, a parent or worse a child. The pain you feel from that loss is worse than death. I know all to well that feeling. I lost my mother at the young age of 28. I know it’s not that young but, to me, it was. Now I don’t know how it would feel losing a child and I hope I never do. The day my children were taken from me, the pain was unbearable, and they were just taken. Luckily I will be getting my children back. But the feeling still kills me.

When someones in grieving its hard to be there for them because you just don’t know what to say. It’s ok to feel that way. You hate how they feel and in someway you can feel it to so you distance yourself. Just know they need you more than ever. So don’t leave them just when they need you. After I lost my mother, I also lost friends. It mad them uncomfortable to be around me. But I was lucky enough to have a very wonderful man in my life who stuck by me. He reminded me why I needed to live again.

It does get better. The pain lessens and life becomes bearable again. So if you are suffering from the loss of a loved one just know you are not alone. The pain will go away and you will be able the remember the good times. Just knowing I have memories of my mother makes me happy. It’s ok to grieve. In fact its healthy to grieve. Never bottle it up. Cry your heart out. Hate the world. Its ok. You will feel better when you let yourself cry. That was the only thing that let me heal. So let yourself go and start the healing process.

Never regret your past

Never regret your past or wish you would have done something different. What happened, happened for a reason. You may not see it now but you will. What you have would have never happened if you changed something, and regretting something is telling youself that you are not happy now. But if you’re not happy now, it’s not our past. Its your present. It starts there. You can’t change what has already happened so stop focusing on that. Worry about what you can change. Stop living your life by looking back. If you keep looking to your past and not looking towards your future, you are going to walk into that phone poll that comes out of nowhere. Regret is a way of living that you can’t change but life is something you can.

Will you pass lifes test.

Have you ever had a time in your life were everything just keeps going wrong. You lose your job to an illness. Your car keeps breaking down. Just when you think you can finally start saving money something in your life breaks. Well I know the feeling. I’m trying to getting my life in some kind of and order, god knows I’m trying. I have made so many mistakes in my past that put me where I am now. But you know what, these are just making me a stronger person. For everything that has gone wrong in my life, overcoming them is making me better person. They are preparing me for my future. If I can overcome all that is going wrong them I will be prepared for what is to come. Now I know the stress can be overwhelming but if you can get through them through them, then you can get through anything. Isn’t the point of life to live happy, not harder. Well then don’t let lifes test get you down. They are there to train you for what is to come.

The present is a gift only you can give yourself

I know all to well that living in the present is a hard thing to do if not impossible. Let me explain.

Right now what are you thinking about. Maybe your thinking about how work went, if it was good or bad. Did you finish that report and did you do a good job. Or maybe you are thinking about what you are going to do tomorrow. You have a test and you’re not sure if you studied enough. You have a doctor’s appointment and your worried something may be wrong.

Life’s to short to lose yourself in a place and time that is not even now.

So living in the present is the hardest this to do. For an hour a day you need to dedicate it to you. Forget for just that moment what happened yesterday and don’t worry about what may or may not happen tomorrow. Focus on you for the here and now. Give yourself and hour of absolute clarity and worry free rest. That present to yourself is all you will need to become a happier person.

Work hard for what you want and love what you have.

This may sound funny but it took me 31 years to get my first apartment and 31 years to final get a car I can call my own. See I grew up living with my mother. She raised me to be dependent on her. She was my best friend. Now you may be thinking, that’s great to have a mother who was a friend. Well it’s not. See I became addicted to drugs because my mother didn’t want to do them alone. She was so scared to have friends of her own that she made me her best friend. We partied together and did everything together. When I had my children she was like the father to my children. So when our addiction got out of control. Things went downhill fast. Now I was a wonderful mother to my babies but I had to take pain pills all the time just to take care of them and my, now, sick mother. It was so overwhelming. When my children were taken from me, part of it was because she overdosed. (The other part was my accidental overdose) The state told me I would never get them back as long as I was with her and 3 days later she committed suicide. After that happened, I was lost. I didn’t know how to live. I was drug addicted. My life was hell and I felt like I was a baby bird that was kicked out of her nest by a football quarter back. Now before all this had happened I took everything for granted because I didn’t know any different. I really thought that was the way life was supposed to be. But, if it wasnt for all of the struggles I had to go through, I would not have an appreciation for everything life has to offer. My apartment is not the best and my car is a piece of crap. But Its my piece of crap and I worked very hard to get it. I live paycheck to paycheck and lord sure knows I don’t have any money, but I have everything I could ever ask for. The love of my family. My health and sanity. The world can only get better from here. No matter how long it takes me. I know I’m rich, and no one can EVER take that away. So cherish what you have and work hard for what you want, and never let anyone tell you that you can’t.